it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
