god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
