There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
