Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
