Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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