i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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