U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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