hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
