You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
