so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
