I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
