How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
