I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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