Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
