I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I supernannyed him into submission
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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