Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
