My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
