its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
