I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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