Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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