I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
