so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
