Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
