What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All the doctor said was why
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
