Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i now understand why vodka
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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