I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
