Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
