The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
