When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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