Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
operation have a gay friend backfired
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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