Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
