I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
