eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
