Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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