I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
