Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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