she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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