we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is it penis luge time yet?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
