every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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