Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
