hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
