My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
