Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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