my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
