finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
