i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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