Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
