Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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