if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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