Michael Bay diarrhea
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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