By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We had sex on a dog bed..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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