My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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