all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
