Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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